I went to church today. The girls are SO excited about this baby they pretty much told anyone and everyone that would listen that they were going to be big sisters. An older lady, much older, a woman who I have highly admired for 3 years now, came to me and said "You know you don't need this. "

I can't say how much that hurt. I wanted to sit down and cry. I could barely eat at family meal and I couldn't even pay attenion to the service because those words were ringing in my ears. The same words that I'm getting repeatedly from others.

"You should get your tubes tied"

"You don't need any more kids. "

"You can't handle this"

"This isn't fair for the kids"

"God put birth control on this earth for a reason."

"Where in the bible does it say birth control is wrong?"

"Don't you know how this happens??"

"You know how to prevent this don't you?"

The faces of these people.. the same ones I've leaned on for support during my marriage problems.. the same ones that have either raised me, watched me be raised or watched me grow Spiritually. They're saying these things. It hurts. I don't agree with what they're saying but to know that they think I'm wrong, they disdain my choices, regaurdless of knowing that I'm a grown woman and can choose between what I feel is right and wrong.. it hurts. It hurts because I love these people and I want support, I want love, I want understanding and ugh.. I want approval. I don't NEED that from them. But I still want it. Such is human nature ya know?

I tried to go to sleep tonight and I couldn't. I fell asleep and dreamed about these people saying these things, one after another, whispering and chiding me for having another.. almost making fun of me but more like a mother's shunning. There's not much more that could hurt worse.

I woke up crying.. real tears just streaming and my stomach was churning. I don't feel sorry for myself but then again I do. Am I the only person on this earth that can celebrate another life? Another life from ME?

I'll be the first to tell you. I'm not perfect. I'm not martha stuart, not even those perfect 50's mamas with their hair shop beehives and pretty aprons. I'm more like erma bombeck after she had cancer. I see the little things, I see whats important. I THRIVE on motherhood in the sense that I am making a difference. I will ALWAYS be a mother. Mothers change with age and their children's ages.. I'm 25. I still call mama for support. If I'm 50 and my mom is still here, I'll still call her. If she's gone before then I'd imagine, like so many others, that when I'm hurt or scared, or just unsure, or want to make someone laugh, she will be the first person I try to call on. Motherhood is important to me.

When I think about going on the pill after this baby is born, or even having my tubes tied, I cringe. I believe in God, I believe God made man and woman to marry, have babies and continue LIFE. I work physically. My nails are horrible and my skin is dry, but when I get a day of work done, I feel GOOD. I feel like I've done what is right, even if it means scrubbing crayons off the walls for the 1001st time or singing off pitch to console my fussy baby. I feel like I'm doing Gods will.

Lets reverse the whole thing. Lets say I have my business and business is booming. I'm working my tail off but at the end of the day, I'm PROUD. I'm bringing in a profit, my family has more because of me. God put his hands on my business and gave it life. You turn and say to me.. "Kristy, you can't keep getting this business bigger! God will not provide, you have to stop making these vast profits before it gets out of hand, you can not handle it anymore any more orders! You will have more money than what you know to do with!"

I would turn to you and say, "God has provided and he is good. I will work and grow my business and learn new ways to deal with a growing business. God will provide as long as I do his bidding. "

Now really.. would you tell me to stop making money? To most people the thought is insane. I could hire more people to run the business and continue to earn profits. But then again, the bible says a debt is a curse and children are a blessing. If my business suddenly burned down and I had no means to replace it, I would be in debt. In debt to the people that worked for me, in debt to the creditors that helped me grow my business. That is a risk I have to take and a faith I have to put in God. Right?

So change that business to family and those profits to children. I put my faith in God to decide how large my family gets. I put that faith in God to provide. No he probably won't help us win the lottery. We probably will never be able to shop at Saks 5th avenue. Does that REALLY matter? No. Because where there is Love, there is GOD. Where there is GOD, there is provisions. Faith is the key. I cannot put my full faith in God to give my husband work, to keep my marriage together, to feed my family and then lack the trust in Him that he will give me more children than I can raise the way He sees fit.

"Children are an heritage of the Lord: and the fruit of the womb is his reward. As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man; so are children of the youth. Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them"

Psalm 127:3-5

So when our quiver can hold no more, that means we won't have any more. God will not allow us to drop our children and neglect what we have, because it's NOT his way.

Where to go from here?