I'm tired of him getting mad and packing his stuff. I didn't DO anything to him. He stays up all night, takes one little thing I said and stews on it all night, week or whatever.. I'm tired of it. I've been *trying* I tried to talk to him about money, figure out how we could manage the next month or two on a slim budget.. that's prolly what did it. He wants ME to try, as in, do everything he wants, and when I bring in relatity he gets pissed and threatens (by packing his stuff but not going anywhere) to leave.

I'm tired of worrying about every word I say. I'm tired of worrying if he's drinking and driving and I'm tired of wondering what he's going to get mad about next. If he wants to go I'm not stopping him, I really dont care anymore. Mind you, I DO love him, and I always will.. but I'm numb. Just like to many drugs leave you without feelings on the bathroom floor passed out for the night.. to much anger and fustration shuts me down.

I dont understand what he wants me to do or how he wants me to do it.. but I know from things he's said, his idea of life, love and marriage just aren't possible.

I wonder if he's thought about the fact that even if we do get a divorce we're still stuck together? Divorce will put us in different houses but we'll still have to deal with lawyers, working out a visitation for the kids, seeing each other at visitation, we'll have to communicate (evil word!) about the kids and what they need etc etc etc.. Maybe we wont be in the same house but we'll still be stuck. You cant walk away from marriage free and clear. Not unless you try to excape your responsiblities to your kids, and that takes a heck of a loser to do.

I'm not perfect and I have no intentions of making myself out to be. I try to watch my mouth and not just say whatever comes to mind because I'm blunt, and what I say when I'm hurt tends to cut to the bone. I dont intend for it to do that but it does.

So if he walks today he goes.. I dont stop him. He's sleeping on the couch and right now.. well I wont say what I'm thinking right now..

I made a wish

I said a prayer

I thought I saw

you standing there

You picked me up

You let me fly

You let me grow

from wrong to right

Then you broke me down

You made me cry

broke my dreams

wont tell me why

you left me here

you walked on by

Now you say

I was always wrong

Now you say

You dont belong

You never loved

You heart is cold

There's nothing clear

All I wanted

was you.. right here