Yeah so I cried today. Alot. Some thanks to PMS, the rest thanks to ty. He didn't do anything. Actually he's done a lot. A whole lot. More today than he has in 6 months. Well.. that's not true. He did it with thought and not just random actions and lack of feelings..

So now what? WHat do I do? what do I think? say? what? I'm SO confused right now. I love him more than anything, anyone, ever. But I can't see straight. I *know* he has to change. He had 6 years to change, he didn't. He has to stop drinking, stop doing things just because he *knows* I don't like it. He had 6 years to do that. I tried to leave before. I tried to get out, get away from the negative side of our marriage. It didn't work and things got worse.

I'm not worried about money that much. The first month till all the wonderful hardearned tax money that the american public has worked for to help out people like me (geez can you tell I don't want to do this?) will kick in. Poor and happy is better than not really poor and not rich and not happy.

Now.. rich and happy? Can't tell ya, haven't been BTDT yet.

So I got off track. I'm not worried about money, I'm not worried about raising 4 kids on my own. These are fears that I had before, but now I can see it's not going to be that bad, in fact, It's hard with two parents or one, so it doesn't even matter. What matters is, I love him. And if I can't get ahold of myself and stop falling.. I'm going to get sucked right back into this. And you know what? He loves me to. I know he does because today he came over and spent 3 hours playing with the babies, trying to fix my camera so that I can sell stuff again, talking to me about money and how I'm going to pay bills (he is going to help) etc. He DOES care. I know Ty. If he he didn't care, he would be out at some hootchie club dancing with some cheap chic begging for beer. If he didn't care, he wouldn't have just dropped off a gallon of milk for the babies. If he didn't care, he would have been an ass and just stayed away.

He cares. I care. We love each other. The problem is we hurt each other too. How can we get past that? I want to get past that. I want to love him *freely* and let him love me *freely* without all the past and thoughts and pain eating away at us everytime we see each other.

So I'm in what feels like untreaded territory. What is *supposed* to happen? Did someone forget to write this chapter in the book? What am I *supposed* to do? make demands and lay down the law before he comes back? Counseling? everything? Nothing? what? I'm just.. lost in this. He hasn't even said he wants to come back and i'm worrying about it. BUt I can FEEL it.

I need to take this slow. It's only been 24 hours but it feels like 24 years.. I'd rather be alone than what I've been through but I still want ty. I still love him and right now I hurt so bad.. from being sick and from love/hurt.