That discribes me really well right now..

Chicken in the fear POV: I'm afraid.. afraid ty will change his mind and leave again.. afraid to love, afraid to trust.. afraid to lay it all on the line all over. Afraid because he will walk out.. or blame me for something I can't fix because it will be to late. Afraid he won't take to changing and working on our marriage. Fear. I'm so there right now. I've had two anxiety attacks in as many days. The only other time I've had them is during child birth. Go figure.

I have to let go I guess. But I did that before and this is where I am now. Why twice? How can I know he is sincere? how can I know that he really does love us and want to be here? How can I know that the meds he is on will help?

I cant answer any of these questions.. and I want answers now. I dont want to trust.. I want it to be proven, and proven now. I know it's wrong, I see it, I feel it.. but trust and loving again is so very, very hard.

I *do* want to trust him love him etc.. If I didn't I would have said just go.. enjoy your life, see ya.. have a good one and dont let the door bang your arse on the way out.. so yes, I DO want to trust. What I dont want is hurt. I dont want to be hurt again, lied to, misguided or what have you. I dont want to be pushed aside and made to feel like I'm at the bottom of the totum poll. I dont want to feel ignored, pushover, depressed and angry.

I want a happy marriage.. I want happy kids. I want a husband that comes home and kisses me, not because he has to but because he really did miss me. I want someone to sit and watch a movie with, make vacation plans with. Someone who can enjoy life away from the computer.

I want someone who smiles when I fix him a coke.. or says "that was good" when I work hard on dinner. I want someone who hears the kids when they're crying and holds them for a minute to let them know that even if he can't fix the pain, he does care.

I want someone who can laugh and play.. and be honest with how they feel. I want someone that wont throw the monkey back at me if I say something bothers me.

I dont want someone that thinks they have to 'watch' themselves around me.. I dont want someone who cant think outside the box. I dont want someone that ignores me, or problems in life until they are so big there's no way out. I dont want someone that walks away with nothing when I say "I love you". I dont want someone that cant handle any kind of constructive criticism or someone that can't give constructive criticism.