Amanda is wanting to be held and nurse all day because she is running a fever and not feeling well. The other girls are great.. ashtyn practiced all week for her spelling test and alliyah has *yet* to have imperfect behavior at school. I am one proud mama!

I'm not satisfied with counseling. I'm still healing from all the crap ty pulled during the last month, and yet I'm supposed to put myself on the line and say "I still wasnt you, I care, I want to try" etc. Honestly, right now, I dont. I think he needs to be telling Me he is sorry, he wants to try and do a little begging ya know? I am not the bad guy here. Yes I wasn't the greatest wife, I realize this and I am trying to change for the better. Right now, I dont see any changes in him. None.

He says one thing in counseling and totally different at home. And now we're not even supposed to talk at home because I have 'to many emotions and putting them all out like I do may overload him. He needs to deal with them one at a time'. Er sorry but.. Ya know what? I'm female, and ALL females have "an overload of emotions" I have 4 babies, every one of their emotions have to be dealt with, and I cant always stop and deal with them one at a time.

I have a lot to say, and only one hour once a week to do it. It's not even fair to say I'm overloading. So much happens in a week there's no way to cram it all into an hour. *sigh* I feel like giving up.

What hurts the most is the lack of everything. No hugs, no kisses, nothing. He's holding out and enjoying it. I dont even want to be at home when he's here because when I see him all I want to do is snuggle and say "I love you" and he's playing with that. It pisses me off beyond belief.

Yet he talks to his friends.. oh but he doesnt have friends, yet when he talks to them and gets off the phone "that was my friend" no names, no faces. Just "my friend", "someone from work" or "I dont know who that was" yet.. he just had a 30 minute convo with them. Yeah right. pthhh goober.

Tra la for now.. have to clean, I also want to at least trace a pattern I have for some cutie patootie flair legged pants for anna and amanda. Soon I'll get some fleece and make the jacket part.. have to use the corderoy I bought today so ty wont have a hissy fit about me spending money.