| Monday, Sept. 02, 2002...7:35 am
I am just.. beyound words right now. I am so full of anger.. spite.. pain... My husband no longer wants to be my husband. He now refuses counseling. He says I am not to touch him, kiss him, talk to him, nothing. I cant live like this. He is doing whatever he wants to do and I can't do anything. I have to find a way to get out. I hate it here, I hate him right now. He is doing everything he can to hurt me. I asked him before we were married to not drink much. Yet when I get up this morning there is a bottle of wiskey half empty and a huge beer in the freezer. I am not comfortable around people drinking. I'm not comfortable around drugs. This is something he KNOWS, something he knew before I would agree to getting married, yet he does it anyway. Our marriage means nothing to him. He "needs to be selfish for a little while" It's just so over. I have to take the kids and leave.. we have to go somewhere. Where I dont know, but it's got to happen. He's such an asshole. I cant believe it.. I just hurt.. I feel so wronged.. nothing makes sense. I'm supposed to be his maid, his cook, his sex toy, his everyhing but a wife, everything but love. These things dont MAKE love, they COME FROM love. I tried to put him out. now he says if he goes he's taking the computer (which means I lose the only income I had) and everyrthing else that is important because he needs it. I hate him beyond words. I really do. I dont know that I can ever get over this. I looked in the mirror this morning.. I shouldn't have done that. THe perosn I see is so broken.. baggy eyes.. dark circles. Painful.. hurt. shattered. THis is worse than a death. I cant stop crying. ashtyn and alliyah are coming home today and I just dont know how I'm going to deal. I hope he is gone to work before they get here. I'm staying for now.. I cant just up and run away, but I can work on finding somwhere to live. There is Hud and other places.. *something* has to be out there. Right now I just feel so lost. |
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